i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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