Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
