I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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