I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
