Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
