lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
