I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
