apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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