Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
