my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Randomize
