I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
