Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
