i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize