literally had 100 drinks last night.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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