There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
