You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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