i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
