he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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