Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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