This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
