When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
