I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You are the jesus of drinking
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
