if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
fuck your aforementioned shoe
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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