hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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