i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
