I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize