So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize