you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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