I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
