Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
