woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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