This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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