so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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