Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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