i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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