we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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