nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i wish my penis had a tongue
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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