...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
