my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
