I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
