The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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