the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
