I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
