just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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