I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
