we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
