I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
