do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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