I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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