Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
