I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
