Already got asked if we're dating
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
