I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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