So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Im part way to drunk.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
