Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
