Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
